BY
Cheryl Nya

Deputy Editor

Hype Issue #60

Published on

December 20, 2024

In the midst of a heated conflict, what is your first instinct? Would it be to apologise repeatedly, or to calmly suggest a solution? Or perhaps your first move would be to walk away from the issue. Could it be that you lash out emotionally only to withdraw suddenly out of guilt? Regardless of which of the four responses you resonate with, it all boils down to your own unique style of attachment; something that is different for everyone.

Experts theorise that humans exhibit four different attachment styles which determine their patterns of closeness, trust, and dependency in relationships. Each style reflects the different ways people seek connection and express their emotional needs.

Originated by British psychologist, John Bowlby, and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, the attachment theory suggests that humans are biologically wired to form attachments for survival, and the nature of these attachments shapes our development and experiences in relationships. 

At its core, the theory asserts that children naturally turn to a caregiver for comfort during times of distress or uncertainty. The bond formed in these moments establishes the foundation for secure or insecure attachments. As the child grows, this connection shapes how they approach future relationships and manage stress. 

The four attachment styles – each representing distinct ways people approach connections. Photo by The New York Times. 

Now let’s dive into the four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. 

Secure Attachment 

Individuals with the secure attachment style have a healthy balance of independence and reliance on others. They manage conflict well, being comfortable with healthy communication, and are confident in both giving and receiving affection. These people enjoy being with others, and aren’t anxious when apart.

Anxious Attachment

This group of individuals tend to be perceived as needy, and in most cases, excessively so. People with the anxious attachment style usually have low self-esteem and often need approval; they crave emotional intimacy and reassurance but worry that others might lose interest, or not want to be with them. Their significant fear of abandonment and rejection could lead them to face difficulty being alone. 

Avoidant Attachment

Someone who’s avoidant may find it challenging to handle emotional intimacy. This group of individuals value their independence and freedom so much that intimacy and closeness can often make them uncomfortable. They tend to suppress or downplay their feelings to avoid situations where they have to be vulnerable or dependent on others. 

Disorganised Attachment

This attachment style is marked by the deep desire for closeness coupled with an equally intense fear of getting hurt. The unpredictable behaviour of these people could look like: Being warm and affectionate one moment, and distant and withdrawn the next. Their struggle to regulate their emotions results in their contradictory actions. The disorganised attachment style exhibits both the traits of the anxious and the avoidant styles.

Take a moment to understand why you can’t help but react a certain way; it might just be your attachment style. Photo taken from Pinterest. 

To put attachment theory into context, let’s explore how individuals with different attachment styles would respond in the same situation.

Scenario: You’ve made plans with a loved one but they cancel on you. 

• Secure attachment style: “No worries, we can reschedule! Hope all’s well on your side!”
• Anxious attachment style: “Why don’t they want to see me? I’m not important enough…”
• Avoidant attachment style: “Nice, I have more time for myself now.”
• Disorganised attachment style: “Did I do something wrong? Whatever, I shouldn’t care.”

Alongside popular concepts such as love languages and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), attachment styles have also become part of the blueprint for modern relationships. 

Understanding attachment styles is important because it helps you identify your emotional triggers and behaviours in relationships. This awareness improves your ability to communicate your needs with your loved ones, particularly for those with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganised). Enhanced communication could also help you interpret others’ actions without jumping to conclusions. This knowledge equips you to navigate conflicts between different attachment styles more effectively. 

Everyone has their own way of connecting with others, and when you understand why some people want constant approval, or why others actively seek solitude, you have the ability to adjust your approach to make your relationships smoother. 

Loving someone could look like two extremes: constant reassurance and giving them space. Nothing wrong with either, we just have different ways of wanting to feel loved.  Photos taken from Pinterest.

For example, if you’re the secure type, you can step up and offer that extra reassurance when someone with an anxious attachment style is feeling uncertain. It’s not so much about smothering them, but just simply showing that you care and that you’re listening to their needs. Or when dealing with an avoidant friend, you can respect their need for space while trying not to take it too personally. They might not always be down for a real and deep conversation like you are, but that’s totally okay. By recognising the behaviours of different styles, you help to avoid misunderstandings and facilitate amicable relationships. 

Understanding each other’s different style of attachment and reaching a compromise could strengthen your relationship. Photo taken from Pinterest.

Conversely, if you’re the anxious type, you can try making an effort to seek less validation from others, and find your worth in yourself. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of love, just as you are. Likewise for people with the avoidant attachment style, try to gather courage to face your vulnerabilities and true feelings by talking it out with a trusted loved one. These efforts can also make a secure type friend feel heard when their need for a good balance between emotional closeness and independence is met. 

The best part is that learning about attachment styles helps you communicate in ways that fit each person’s needs. Your relationships aren’t the only things that will benefit from this knowledge: you grow into a more thoughtful and empathetic individual too.

Be it the clingy friend, the ‘keep a distance’ type, the secure or the ‘can’t decide what I want to feel right now’ kind that you’re dealing with, knowing how to adjust your approach can effectively turn conflicts into growth. 

Now that you know a little more about attachment styles, why not take a moment to reflect on your own? Take a quick quiz online or chat with a partner about their attachment style. You might be surprised by how much it can change the way you connect with people in your life.

So, the next time you’re trying to figure out why someone is acting a certain way, remember – it might just be their attachment style talking!